“How was school?”
“Fine.”
“What did you do today?”
“Nothing.”
“Who did you play with?”
“I don’t know.”
Sound familiar?
You’ve been away from your child for six or seven hours. They’ve been learning, playing, navigating friendships, solving problems, laughing, getting frustrated, and having an entire day you know almost nothing about. Of course you want to hear about it! But somehow, the more you ask, the less they seem to say.
If your child comes home from school and suddenly seems to have forgotten every single thing that happened since breakfast, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to talk to you. Sometimes, we just need to rethink when and how we’re asking.
Why “How Was Your Day?” Usually Gets You “Fine”
Think about what it feels like when someone asks you, “How was your day?” It’s actually a pretty big question. Where do you start? Do you talk about the meeting that went well, the annoying email, what you ate for lunch, or the funny thing your coworker said?
For children, that question can feel even bigger. They’re being asked to sort through hours of experiences, decide what’s worth sharing, find the words to describe it, and tell you about it, often the moment they get into the car or walk through the door.
After spending all day listening, learning, following directions, navigating social situations, and managing emotions, some kids simply don’t have much conversation left in them yet. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to tell you about their day. It may just mean right now isn’t the best time.
Connection Before Conversation
It’s easy to pepper kids with questions the moment we see them. How was your test? Did you eat your lunch? Did you play with Emma? Do you have homework? What did your teacher say? Meanwhile, your child may be thinking, Can I please just have a snack?
Try giving them a little room to land first. Offer a snack, let them change clothes, or give them some quiet time, movement, or a chance to play. Some children will start talking five minutes later. Others might open up at dinner, in the bathtub, while you’re walking the dog, or when you’re sitting beside them at bedtime.
Pay attention to when your child naturally seems most talkative. You may discover that some of your best conversations happen when you stop trying so hard to have one.
Ask Smaller, More Specific Questions
Instead of asking your child to summarize an entire day, give them something smaller and more specific to grab onto. Questions like “What made you laugh today?” or “Who did you sit next to at lunch?” are often much easier to answer than “How was school?”
You might ask what the easiest part of their day was, whether anything was harder than they expected, if anyone did something kind, or what the weirdest thing that happened was. You can also try, “If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?”
Specific questions give children a starting point. And sometimes one tiny answer opens the door to a much bigger conversation.
Make It Fun
Not every conversation about your child’s day needs to be serious. In fact, playful questions can sometimes tell you much more than direct ones.
Try asking, “If your day were a movie, what would the title be?” or “Who gets the funniest-person-of-the-day award?” You could ask what happened that you would NEVER guess, or have them rate their day from 1–10.
If they tell you it was a 6, resist the urge to immediately investigate why it wasn’t a 10. Instead, simply get curious: “What made it a 6?” You might be surprised by what comes next.
Don’t Turn Every Answer Into a Lesson
This one can be hard. Your child finally tells you something, and your parenting instincts kick in.
Maybe they tell you they forgot to turn in their homework and your first instinct is, “You HAVE to be more responsible about that.” Maybe they mention a disagreement with a friend and you immediately ask whether they apologized. Or they admit they were upset about something that seems small to you, and you’re tempted to reassure them that it really wasn’t a big deal.
There will absolutely be times when your child needs your guidance. But they also need experiences where they can simply tell you something and have you listen. Responses like “That sounds frustrating,” “Wow, what happened next?” or “I can see why that bothered you” let your child know you’re interested in their experience before trying to change it.
And when you aren’t sure what they need, you can simply ask: “Do you want me to help you figure out what to do, or do you just want me to listen?”
When children learn that talking to you doesn’t automatically lead to a lecture, interrogation, or solution, they may be much more likely to keep talking.
Share a Little About Your Day, Too
Conversation doesn’t have to be one-sided. Instead of always asking your child questions, try sharing something from your own day. Tell them about a silly mistake you made, something that made you laugh, a moment when you felt nervous, or something you were proud of.
And then, just let it sit. You don’t necessarily need to follow your story with, “Did anything like that happen to YOU today?” You’re simply modeling what it looks like to share the small moments of your life with someone you love.
Children learn how to have conversations by having conversations with us, not by being interviewed.
Don’t Be Afraid of a Little Silence
Sometimes parents worry that if their child isn’t talking, something must be wrong. So we ask another question, and then another, and then another. But connection doesn’t always require conversation.
Driving together quietly, making dinner, shooting baskets, coloring, walking the dog, or simply sitting beside one another can create the kind of low-pressure moments where children eventually begin talking on their own. Your job isn’t to extract information from your child. It’s to create a relationship where they know there is space for them to share when they’re ready.
When You Want a Stronger Connection With Your Child
Sometimes the issue goes beyond getting more than “fine” when you ask about school. Maybe conversations regularly turn into arguments. Maybe your child shuts down whenever you bring up something important. Maybe you’re worried about what’s happening with friendships, school, behavior, or big emotions, but you aren’t sure how to get your child to open up.
Or maybe things are going pretty well, but you want to strengthen that connection now so your child knows they can come to you as they grow.
This is one of the ways parent coaching can help. At Imperfect Parenting LA, parent coaching isn’t about giving you a script for every conversation or telling you the “right” way to parent. It’s about understanding your particular child and helping you find practical ways to communicate, connect, set boundaries, and navigate challenging moments in ways that work for your family.
Sometimes a surprisingly small shift in the way we approach a conversation can change the way a child responds. If you’d like personalized support with communication, connection, or another parenting challenge, we invite you to sign up for a free consultation with Imperfect Parenting LA. We’d love to learn more about your family and talk about how parent coaching may be able to support you.
Progress Over Perfection
Your child isn’t going to tell you everything, and that’s okay. Some days you’ll ask a wonderful, thoughtful question and still get “I don’t know.” Other nights, they’ll suddenly launch into an elaborate story about something that happened three days ago when you’re already fifteen minutes past bedtime.
The goal isn’t to find the magical question that unlocks every detail of your child’s life. It’s to keep creating opportunities for connection. Stay curious, listen more than you fix, give them space when they need it, and keep showing them, again and again: I’m interested in your world. I’m here when you want to share it with me.
Because when children know they can talk to us without pressure, judgment, or an immediate solution, we’re building something much bigger than a conversation about what happened at school today. We’re building the foundation for the conversations we hope they’ll still want to have with us years from now.
Free Download: Better Than “How Was School?”
Tired of getting “fine,” “nothing,” and “I don’t know”? Download our free Better Than “How Was School?” printable with 20 fun, thoughtful questions designed to help get the conversation flowing, without making your child feel like they’re being interviewed.
Looking for other helpful downloadables? Check out our free resources page!